19 August 2009

Failure to use a turn signal when you're not changing lanes may result in the acquisition of a ticket.

Monday night, I was driving home from dinner with my mom, talking to Cheese on the phone. I was in the far left lane on the highway because that's how I do. Also, my exit is a left exit. I like to be prepared. There was a car beside me in the next lane over.

All of a sudden, in my rear view mirror, I see a speeding car come riding up on my ass. It's a cop. I check my speed to make sure I'm not going 85 mph. Sometimes this happens when you're not looking, ya know? I was going about 65 mph, though. No problem.

Mr. Policeman Asshole was seriously on the edge of my bumper. I couldn't even see his headlights. We proceeded in this fashion for about five miles. At which point, his lights flash on and he slows down.


To Cheese: "Uh, I think I'm getting pulled over. But I wasn't even speeding! I have to go."

I hang up the phone and start pulling over to the right. Once I get there, I put my car in park and turn on my hazard lights. Of course, I'm BLINDED by the policeman asshole car spotlight. I HATE those things.

The policeman asshole comes up to my window.

PA: "Is this your car?"

Me: "Um." (FREAKING OUT. Has someone reported my car stolen or something?!?) "Yeah."

PA: "License and insurance."

I got out my wallet and handed him my driver's license. His response? To bark "INSURANCE" at me, like I'm some kind of idiot.

I said, "I'm getting it. Just give me a second to find it."

Of course, I can't find it. It must have fallen out of my wallet. And I can't really reach or see into my glove compartment well enough to tell if I have the current one in there. And no, I wasn't about to take off my seat belt to look. I don't really need a seat belt ticket on top of whatever the hell ticket I was about to get.

Oh, it happens like that. I was in the car with a friend who got a ticket for not wearing his seat belt when he had only taken it off to get stuff out of his glove compartment.

Me: "I can't seem to find the piece of paper, but can I show you my insurance card in my email? I have it on my phone."

PA: "You can do that?"

Me: "Yeah."

PA: "Well, that's pretty cool. I'll be back with your license in a minute."

I should mention here that I had to piss like a racehorse. I drank three glasses of tea AND a cup of coffee at dinner with my mom. I knew I had to pee when I left the restaurant, but I figured it was only about a half hour home, and I could make it. I had already told Cheese 10 times that I had to pee so bad it was about to come out of my mouth.

Mr. Policeman Asshole took my license, went back to the squad car, and (I'm guessing) talked about sports, boobs, and donuts with his partner for the next 15 minutes. My bladder was aching. Aching.

When he finally came back to my car, I showed him my insurance card on my phone, and he said, "Well, ma'am. I'm going to have to give you a ticket for failure to use your turn signal when changing lanes."

Me: "Uh, when did I change lanes?"

PA: "Back there. Now, that's a really dangerous thing to do. People are always getting messed up in this area because they don't signal lane changes. This is for your safety, ma'am."


I DIDN'T CHANGE LANES. At least, I hadn't for the five miles he was behind me. HE WAS BEHIND ME.

What can I do, though? I took the ticket, he told me to be careful, and I drove away.

I called Cheese back and said, "Guess what the fuck I just got a ticket for doing?"

Cheese said, "Not using your turn signal."

Me: "Are How did you know that?"

Apparently, "that's how they get ya." Because there's no way, really, for me to prove that I didn't change lanes or that I did use my signal or whatever.

So thank you, Mr. Policeman Asshole Dallas Constable Dickhead. I appreciate the life lesson, but maybe next time you could let me break the rules before punishing me. I don't care about your quota. May your wife's vagina shrivel up and seal shut so you never get laid again. May you lose your penis in a tragic donut-hole-cutting incident. Also, STOP SPEEDING AND TAILGATING, douche. And I didn't see you signal when you changed lanes either. Prick.

At least I managed to not pee myself in the car while I was waiting. Just barely.


Phronk said...

That's terrible. I hate it when people do change lanes (or turn) without signaling, so it'd be nice if DoucheCop used his valuable time to catch people who actually did it.

mysterg said...

Unfotunately you can't really blame the officer, it's the system itself. They have to write a certain amount of tickets every month without fail or face losing their jobs. Which is fine if people are breaking the law but if they are doing their job properly in the first place, then there will be an abscence of crime which means they have to give out tickets for fake stuff. The whole system is flawed.

The good news is that once the ticket is written, it counts in his stats. So if you want to appeal it later on you could and if overturned it wouldn't affect him. Plus there's a chance you could get off.

Organic Meatbag said...

Yeah, I had a dickhead cop in Indiana pull me over in the middle of the day for having a taillight out...and not even the main part of the taillight...and you know why he got me? It was labor day weekend and I was an out-of-towner...assholes...

Lucia said...

I hate when the Police Authority abuse their powers of "authority"! Cheese Dick Asshole indeed!

Graygrrrl said...

Take a day off work and contest it in court. It will probably get dismissed (I'm sure the officer doesn't want to go downtown for a lane violation) and you'll get some good fodder for the blog. Or at least the second part, for sure.
Sorry that happened to you!

LiLu said...


Is anyone else scared that the POLICE MAN was impressed at YOUR technology?


Joanna said...

I feel like submitting this to the Rob for his advice. Surely there's something you can do.

What a douche. Regular citizens should start installing cameras in their cars to catch the cops mid-law-break. Ugh.

Travis said...

Cops are so lame. They will totally do what they did to you. And when they do, they usually ask for your number. You got relatively lucky. Just call and get a payment plan. I'm currently paying out a $200 ticket over 5 months. Asshats.

CageQueen said...

You'll get yourself a MASSIVE fine here in California for doing exactly that. He oculd've been nice and given you a warning.

~The Martini Queen

Amy said...

So, did he not have a dash camera? I'm guessing you contest it and ask to see the dash-cam, they toss it out. Just a guess.

chicknamedhermia said...

What a frickin' jerk!!!

Mega8815 said...

WTF?! Asshole of note.
Nicer than here in South Africa though...