Failure to use a turn signal when you're not changing lanes may result in the acquisition of a ticket.

Monday night, I was driving home from dinner with my mom, talking to Cheese on the phone. I was in the far left lane on the highway because that's how I do. Also, my exit is a left exit. I like to be prepared. There was a car beside me in the next lane over.

All of a sudden, in my rear view mirror, I see a speeding car come riding up on my ass. It's a cop. I check my speed to make sure I'm not going 85 mph. Sometimes this happens when you're not looking, ya know? I was going about 65 mph, though. No problem.

Mr. Policeman Asshole was seriously on the edge of my bumper. I couldn't even see his headlights. We proceeded in this fashion for about five miles. At which point, his lights flash on and he slows down.

Ummm....WTF?

To Cheese: "Uh, I think I'm getting pulled over. But I wasn't even speeding! I have to go."

I hang up the phone and start pulling over to the right. Once I get there, I put my car in park and turn on my hazard lights. Of course, I'm BLINDED by the policeman asshole car spotlight. I HATE those things.

The policeman asshole comes up to my window.

PA: "Is this your car?"

Me: "Um." (FREAKING OUT. Has someone reported my car stolen or something?!?) "Yeah."

PA: "License and insurance."

I got out my wallet and handed him my driver's license. His response? To bark "INSURANCE" at me, like I'm some kind of idiot.

I said, "I'm getting it. Just give me a second to find it."

Of course, I can't find it. It must have fallen out of my wallet. And I can't really reach or see into my glove compartment well enough to tell if I have the current one in there. And no, I wasn't about to take off my seat belt to look. I don't really need a seat belt ticket on top of whatever the hell ticket I was about to get.

Oh, it happens like that. I was in the car with a friend who got a ticket for not wearing his seat belt when he had only taken it off to get stuff out of his glove compartment.

Me: "I can't seem to find the piece of paper, but can I show you my insurance card in my email? I have it on my phone."

PA: "You can do that?"

Me: "Yeah."

PA: "Well, that's pretty cool. I'll be back with your license in a minute."

I should mention here that I had to piss like a racehorse. I drank three glasses of tea AND a cup of coffee at dinner with my mom. I knew I had to pee when I left the restaurant, but I figured it was only about a half hour home, and I could make it. I had already told Cheese 10 times that I had to pee so bad it was about to come out of my mouth.

Mr. Policeman Asshole took my license, went back to the squad car, and (I'm guessing) talked about sports, boobs, and donuts with his partner for the next 15 minutes. My bladder was aching. Aching.

When he finally came back to my car, I showed him my insurance card on my phone, and he said, "Well, ma'am. I'm going to have to give you a ticket for failure to use your turn signal when changing lanes."

Me: "Uh, when did I change lanes?"

PA: "Back there. Now, that's a really dangerous thing to do. People are always getting messed up in this area because they don't signal lane changes. This is for your safety, ma'am."

But.

I DIDN'T CHANGE LANES. At least, I hadn't for the five miles he was behind me. HE WAS BEHIND ME.

What can I do, though? I took the ticket, he told me to be careful, and I drove away.

I called Cheese back and said, "Guess what the fuck I just got a ticket for doing?"

Cheese said, "Not using your turn signal."

Me: "Are you...here? How did you know that?"

Apparently, "that's how they get ya." Because there's no way, really, for me to prove that I didn't change lanes or that I did use my signal or whatever.

So thank you, Mr. Policeman Asshole Dallas Constable Dickhead. I appreciate the life lesson, but maybe next time you could let me break the rules before punishing me. I don't care about your quota. May your wife's vagina shrivel up and seal shut so you never get laid again. May you lose your penis in a tragic donut-hole-cutting incident. Also, STOP SPEEDING AND TAILGATING, douche. And I didn't see you signal when you changed lanes either. Prick.

At least I managed to not pee myself in the car while I was waiting. Just barely.