02 July 2009

TMI Thursday, if you're a boy.

I'm not sure this counts as TMI Thursday in the true sense, but it's on my mind today.

Boys, this one is not for you.

No really, stop reading.

Still reading? Okay, don't say I didn't warn you...

What the hell is up with tampons these days? (You're sorry you kept reading now, aren't you?)

They stopped making my favorite kind years ago. What is so freaking hard about a flushable, biodegradable applicator? I mean, okay, and one that doesn't scratch the inside of your lady parts to bits, thank you Tampax.

And this no applicator thing? I don't get it. It's small, so that's nice. No awkward tampon sword for you to pull out of your purse in front of your boss or that cute boy at the bar who just offered to buy you a beer. But let's talk logistics for just a minute.

So the demon blood is visiting you (What? That's not what you call yours?). Let's say you're out with your girlfriends. Somewhere public. You go to the bathroom and need to exchange your cotton. So you unwrap this no applicator piece of crap, wiggle the string around, put your finger and the bottom, and shove it up there. But now...your finger's kind of a mess, yes? (WAR PAINT STYLE) And you still have to pull up your pants and get to the sink. BUT HOW? It's just gross. I refuse.

And I hate plastic applicators. I hate having to wrap them in toilet paper and touch that biochemical waste plant that is the little trashcan in the public restrooms. And ladies, while we're at it, please stop like wiping your "sanitary napkins" all over the bathroom. Unnecessary, mmmkay?

It just really seems like we could come up with some better options here. And don't even try to talk to me about the demon blood cup thing. 'Cause no. Just no. Let's just say I tried it once and it spilled...SPILLED. Yeah, and I wasn't home.

I don't want to have children. I have no use for the demon blood. Shouldn't there be a box I can check to opt out?


LiLu said...

I am SO with you on the opting out! Guys have everything easier... all they have to do is a little snip snip!

Anonymous said...

I agree! We should be able to opt out. I don't want any demon spawn so why do I need demon blood?

Jay Ferris said...

You couldn't be more right. I really wish I hadn't read any of that.

Alice said...

i'm am PETRIFIED to try the demon cup for EXACTLY that reason.

also, i need the applicator for exactly that OTHER reason. and then trying to get yourself squared away and hold your purse and button and zip all while holding your finger awkwardly at an angle? GAH.

OPT OUT, please.

Stephanie said...

Just take the fucker outta your purse and announce loudly that you need to go cotton picking in the bathroom. Nneed to be embarrassed! It's NATURAL!

Beckbee said...

OMG. thats great.
btw, carry wipes with you. it helps. uh huh

v8grrl said...

today...I was thinking the EXACT same thing.
I'll tell you what...if it was something men had to stick of their would work perfectly...

you know what I'm saying?
and the "cup" yuk..yuk yuk and triple yuk


Travis said...

Sweet, sweet lord. I had no idea that you discussed these matters in the TMI. For sure, I should not have read. And I apologize.

Amy said...

Ok, sweetie... This is how you do this. NUVARING. Or any other birth control... Every day. Like not Seasonale or that other crazy BS. You can do that with ANY BC. (SORRY GUYS, Here goes...) I leave my Nuvaring in 4 weeks, then exchange it for a new one. NO DEMON BLOOD, NO PMS, NO PROBLEM! I haven't had a period since 2006, and every single one of my doctors says it's A-Ok. Call me and I'll explain if you don't believe me. :o)

Phronk said...

It's racist against men to assume we'll be grossed out by this.

I mean, I was, slightly, but assumptions are bad.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

but but...the comercials say that you can be an olympic level gymnast by day and rock out with your band in your white pants at night with no problems? Hell you can even do that kick thing that secures your bad ass rocker chick cred. What the hell? Was I lied to?

LiLu said...

Let me know if you want the info of the girl who moved me over to WP... she was great. Cost some dollahs, but still great.

Anonymous said...

OK, with the no-applicator thing, much less waste, also, clean the demon blood off your hands with tissue and then OK yeah you have to do some clever manoevring not to touch anything with That Finger until you get to the sink but it's not atually that hard AND you don't get scratched to bits inside from the bloomin' applicator. Blergh. The whole thing is just a bit ghastly really.

shine said...

LiLu: I'll start working on a form.

liferehab: Exactly.

Jay Ferris: I owed you one. But I did warn you.

Alice: Right? I'm there with you.

Stephanie: I guess that's one plan of action. Cotton picking!

Beckbee: So true.

v8grrl: Yuck. And you're right. Totally right.

Travis: I did try to warn you! No need to apologize to me.

Amy: Same can be done with any birth control. But I've had some issues with NuvaRing, so I'd rather just take the pill. It's not that I don't know these things, I promise. It's just...I like to clean my insides out from time to time.

Phronk: I'll keep that in mind for next time. I had no idea you men were your own race.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness: You were lied to. Sorry to have to be the one to break the news. And that stripper who told you she loves you? She just wants to spend your money.

LiLu: I just might. I'll let you know.

standingonthebrink: It's just so...ick.

Anonymous said...

Even if you couldn't opt out, wouldn't it be better to have it all come out at once, say, in 10 minutes every month... instead of taking 5-7 days. Talk about slow! And there's no way that's only an egg-cup full...surely.