You Look Great

So I follow this...guy? girl? bot? on Twitter. And I love him/her/it. Number four is possibly my new favorite quote (if anyone sees my ex somewhere, please lay this one on him). Number one is truly a motto for life. Here are the last 20 tweets:

1. says when you give freely of yourself, your reward is often a serious case of crabs.

2. says the lower you keep other people's expectations of yourself, the more surprised they will be when you fail to live up to them.

3. says use other people's lack of faith in you as extra motivation to question your own self-worth.

4. says lying to yourself is the best way to make your actions seem noble and heroic instead of thoughtless and petty.

5. says if you keep reaching higher towards the stars, your lungs will collapse from lack of oxygen.

6. says your body is a temple. Whether or not it's the kind of temple where ritualistic sexual sacrifice is committed is up to you.

7. says doing unto others as you would have them do unto you usually involves ass play.

8. believes dreams are like life's road map: filled with confusing symbols and really boring to talk about.

9. says most people are like Easter eggs: colorful on the outside, hard-boiled and kind of gross on the inside.

10. says the meek shall inherit the earth, and when they do the strong will beat them senseless and take it back.

11. says give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, he will eventually hunt fish to extinction.

12. says diet and exercise are a good way to ensure a long life, but plotting revenge is better.

13. says let us forgive ourselves for our mistakes and keep stoking our hatred towards others for theirs.

14. reminds you on this Easter weekend that Christ loved you so much he totally took off like a deadbeat dad.

15. believes that we are all surrounded by an invisible energy field, which comes from cellphones, and which will give men cancer of the balls.

16. says those who have achieved greatness have one thing in common: they are not you.

17. believes your hidden talents are simply waiting for the perfect moment to present themselves before being crushed.

18. says being thankful for what you have doesn't preclude you from also being totally jealous of what everybody else has.

19. says when you live each day as if it were your last, you have no excuse not to take all the painkillers you want.

20. says if you always put your best foot forward, it will be far worse when you encounter the inevitable landmines.