04 March 2009


**Possibly another reason not to shop at Target...but I love it there. Where else can you get cheap stuff that you don't have to feel guilty about throwing away in a year?**

I went shopping with my friend Nathan this weekend. I say “my friend Nathan,” but truthfully the boy has a mad crush on me. Which should be obvious since he volunteered to go shopping with me, right? But he’s 19, so I think I’ll pass. Anyway, we shopped at the mall for a while, and then we decided to go to Target.

I love Target, and I can stay there for hours, but this time I had a mission. I was out of blush. Major crisis! Nathan’s not crushing hard enough to actually stand with me while I find the perfect shade of blush, however, so he made his way over to the Music/Movies section where he ran into one of his friends. I had dinner plans at 6:00, so by 5:30 it was time for me to go. Nathan’s friend said he’d take him to his car (still parked at the mall). Cool.

We were walking out the door, when some overzealous first-day security dude ran up out of the blue and grabbed Nathan’s arm. “Get back inside the store! I’m store security! Get back in the store!”

Nathan did what any person would do when caught off guard by some screaming freak. He tried to shake his arm away while saying, “Dude, what are you talking about?” So security dude kicked his feet out from under him, and Nathan fell on his face. Two other guys rushed over to help him get handcuffs on the poor, confused, embarrassed boy.

I was standing in the doorway in absolute shock. In all my years working retail, I was told that you couldn’t touch a person unless they tried to attack you first. But, hey, maybe Target has special rules. Who knows?

So they hauled Nathan off to some dark room in the back, presumably to do some sort of strip-cavity-search, and left me standing there wondering what the hell just happened. I found someone to ask how long it would be and what was going on. I mean, I’m supposed to go to dinner, but I’m not going to just leave him there, you know? So the guy came back and told me to go sit in the Snack Bar area. Someone would be out shortly to talk to me.

Nathan’s friend (I apologize, but his name slipped from my memory…about two seconds after he said it) came with me and we waited for an eternity or 20 minutes, whatever sounds better to you. A police officer came over and told me to “Sit over there and stay there!” Yeah, that was necessary. He took Nathan’s friend out and searched his car.

Meanwhile, I’d started to wonder if Nathan really did steal something…and maybe stashed it in my bag. Thank goodness, no. Finally, some not-so-attractive woman approached to let me know that they’d been “exited” from the building. I went outside expecting sirens and police cars, but there was nothing. Nathan and his friend were standing by the car. They didn’t steal anything.

Apparently, Nathan’s friend had brought in a DVD with him. He thought it would be a great idea to show it to Nathan in the middle of the DVD section of Target. And Nathan decided to borrow it, so he stuck it in his pocket. As if there were no security cameras and/or the security dudes wouldn’t think of this as suspicious behavior. Yeah, be smart about that shit. I don’t want to have to wait around while you get questioned by the police for being a dumbass.

And to you, Target Security SWAT, be aware that you could probably get your asses sued for this kind of shit.