And the obsession begins...

Last night was the premiere of America's Next Top Model (ANTM) (and why can't I ever just type "America"? I always type "American," then erase the "n." Oh, well.) Cycle 12. How has Tyra still not gotten calf implants? Seriously. Those things are just puny, woman. You were a supermodel for cryin' out loud.

Lucky for me, my friend Mamanda is also an ANTM freak. She chose to prioritize LOST over ANTM on her TiVo, though, so she had to come to my place to watch it. She's getting ready to leave town for 10 months (10 MONTHS!) in Peru, so this is the only episode she'll get to see if the aliens at HULU can't make it happen. They better. Who else am I going to obsess with? We're probably the only females over the age of 16 or so who watch this show.

And no, I'm still not going to read those damn Twilight books.

Mamanda and I went for sushi (her last sushi for 10 months...you wouldn't eat sushi in Peru either), then crashed on my couch for the two-hour premiere. Last season was kind of a snooze-fest, from what I hear (I missed it due to my head being up my ass while in a relationship), so we weren't sure what to expect.

It started in Vegas. With 34 girls. They all had to dress up like goddesses and embody some un-embody-able quality in a pho-to (this is what is sounds like to me, every time they say it). Yeah, really, how would you embody success? Justice? Truth? Go ahead. I'll wait while you make it come through in a pho-to.

Done? Couldn't do it?

That's what I thought.

Almost immediately, Fo became my favorite. She's adorable and apparently not Asian, though she looks it. She calls herself a "Blaxican." I'm guessing on the spelling, and please do not direct your racist comments at me, I'm quoting here. She is just the cutest thing I've ever seen, right down to the smattering of freckles across her nose and cheeks. Her real name is Felicia, but she gave herself a kick ass nickname, so we decided to use it.

Unfortunately for the rest of the girls, Mamanda and I had to make up our own nicknames. Hehe.

If you've never seen the show, it is an extravaganza of screaming and crying and drama and ridiculousness and skinny girls. And Tyra Banks. Personally, Miss J is my favorite. He can walk a mean runway. Mister Jay ain't too shabby either, but he wears a little too much makeup for my taste.

All the girls get together for some kind of unmade-up pho-to, conducted by Mister Jay. Then all the girls meet with Tyra, Miss J, and Mister Jay and show off their stuff. Usually there's a lot of crying and ridiculousness involved in this process. Each girl has to do what she can to stand out, you see. So they talk about their babies, their abusive husbands, their stripping gigs, how their moms didn't love them, how all these other bitches are intimidated by them, etc. You get the idea.

One cute little girl brought in her pen collection.

Tyra ripped her a new asshole. "Oh, these pens are important to you? Name five supermodels who are working right now." Yeah, that's important in life. I guess it is, if you want to be on Tyra's show. And c'mon. It's cycle 12, sweetie. Don't you think you should read a fashion magazine or two before you stand your ass up in front of Tyra Banks with your pen collection?

I sympathized with her, though, because she reminded me of my 15-year-old cousin. And because she had a lot of pens.

They narrow down the field after the interviews, and then everyone has to do another pho-to. This is the one where they have to embody truth, justice, and the American Way...with their eyes. Whatever. They always look ridiculous.

Then Tyra announces the girls who will live in the sweet mansion thingy in NYC.

"The first name that I am going to call...is..."

Really Tyra, work on that tense problem, eh?

And our finalists are:

1. Fo!
2. Googly-Eyed Blood Freak
3. Bergdorf Goodman
4. Jesus Freak, the Street Preacher
5. Mocha Choco-Latte
6. Prom Queen
7. Smushy Face
8. PUERTO RICO!
9. Burn Victim
10. Cornflake Girl
11. No-Waist
12. Afro-licious
13. Six Head

I'm already waiting for the day they send Mocha Choco-Latte home. She was in the bottom two in the first episode, but I know she'll be around for a while. Tyra has a soft-spot for the dark-skinned girls and the producers really like drama. This bitch has already pissed off nearly everyone in the house.

Googly-Eyed Blood Freak just hurts my eyes. I think her eyes are on upside down. And she's apparently obsessed with blood (I'm obsessed with bones, so I don't judge, but I wouldn't be spouting off about it in an interview with Tyra freaking Banks, yo). She's jealous of everyone who's ever had a nose-bleed because she's never had one. And she thinks they're beautiful. Um, yeah...freak. And her eyes are on. Upside. Down. She looks like that thing from The Grudge. I know she's hiding in my bed, waiting for me. Cause she wants to make me bleed.

Afro-licious is insanely tall. I love her. And her lips. Are. Awesome. Nuff said.

Now, I know I'm going to seem insensitive about this whole "Burn Victim" vs. "Burn Survivor" thing. And I probably am. But here's the thing: if you were in a fire and you almost burned to death, but didn't...yeah, you're a burn survivor. If you poured hot coffee on yourself when you were a baby...not so much. Yes, you have been burned. Yes, you have scars. Yes, I totally think you're brave for trying to be America's (yes, I typed "n" again) Next Top Model. But I don't know if I can call you a "survivor" unless you almost died. I'm a bitch, what can I say?

If you've ever watched ANTM, you know that they're always talking about "wind in the hair." It's a way of walking down a runway in which the model looks as though she has a wind machine on her. Or something. I speak English, not Model. Well, apparently, Six Head (cause her forehead is just that big) has what Tyra's is now referring to as "wind in the face." Because she looks like she's trapped in a wind tunnel all the time. Yeah. I wouldn't have thought that was a good look, but what do I know?

Jesus Freak calls herself a Street Preacher (and talks about Jesus all the time), which I personally think contradicts her whole dressing-like-a-whore-in-ripped-clothing thing. Her eyebrows really need some help.

None of the other girls are worth talking about. At any given moment, Mamanda and I were like, "Is that PUERTO RICO!? Wait, no...it's Smushy Face."

Next week - MAKE-OVERS! Stay tuned.