19 February 2009

Forgive and Forget?

Does anyone actually believe in this concept?

I guess I can see the forgiveness part. I mean, for me to be who I am, I have to forgive. I have to let go of the negative stuff. But forget about it? Un-fucking-likely.

Eventually, it all fades to the background maybe, but I'm not likely to just forget about it.

I still remember the time when I was 12 and my mother announced to a boat full of people (including a really cute teenage boy) that, "No, Rachel won't be swimming today. She's on her period and she can't use tampons yet." Seriously.

I still remember my little sister dragging a block of wood (cut to look like a clock) all through the house saying, "Sawwy, Rachel. Sawwy, Rachel," until she got to me. At which point, she whacked me upside the head and then proudly said, "Sawwy, Rachel." They were teaching her about manners, you see.

Or after my parents got divorced and my dad pretty much chose to have nothing to do with my life.

My mother constantly choosing my step-dad over the rest of the family. Choosing to believe him, not me.

My high school boyfriend walking away when he found out I was pregnant. Leaving me to deal with it all on my own.

I might have forgiven those things (there are varying degrees of forgiveness, right?), but I am far from forgetting them. As I get older, it seems people have just found new and more exciting ways to hurt the people they care about, while keeping the old standbys. I know I have to forgive if I'm going to be the person I want to be. But I don't have to forget.