01 December 2009

We'll get back to your regular grumpy holiday blogging tomorrow, today? It's poo time.

I understand that popular notion of waiting until you get to the office to take your morning dump. The toilet is clean (except that you pooped in it yesterday morning and our cleaning people only come on the weekends), you're at work so you're getting paid to relieve yourself of the giant load of crap you're hauling around in your intestines, and there's the added bonus of subjecting your coworkers to the smell of death wafting from your rectum.

What's that you say? You've never contemplated the third one? Ah! Then you obviously don't work in my office.

See, most offices have restrooms for men and restrooms for women and they aren't located, say, in the middle of the space. At my job? We only have one bathroom downstairs and one bathroom upstairs and both of them are within a (two year old's) stone's throw of each and every desk. Which means each and every person. Which mostly means ME. (Obviously.)

Every morning, most of my coworkers choose to wait until they get to work to take their morning poo. I've ranted about this before, but I feel the need to do it again, because I just got knocked in the face with POO SMELL.

Here's the thing, boys. It's disgusting. I don't care who you are, your shit does, in fact, STINK. We also have several different kinds of poopers in the office.

The "I Have a Lot of Gas and I'm Going to Force You to Listen to It, But Then We're All Going to Have to Pretend That Didn't Happen" Pooper: I hate to tell you this, but having to listen to you relieve your bowels every morning is really not inspiring any more respect for your cause here at work. If you feel like it's going to be a gassy one? Please poop at home.

The "I Just Rocked a Big Deuce and I'm Going to Leave the Door Wide Open and Never Bother to Use the Air Freshener so Thoughtfully Provided for Me" Pooper: If I never have to smell your crap again, it will be far too soon. Please subject your wife to this, she took vows. I didn't. That doorway is in direct path to my desk. For the love of all that is orange, please close the door at least a little and feel free to use that fancy little bottle of Febreez (which, actually, now just smells like poop to me anyway...but at least it's slightly prettier poop than whatever roadkill you've been consuming).

The "Close the Door All the Way and Trap the Smell in the Bathroom" Pooper: While I'm generally okay with you trying to be considerate about the smell, all you're doing is making it worse when I realize that I have to pee. Which is inevitably about five minutes after you've expelled the large quantity of meat you ate for dinner last night right into the work toilet we all share.

The "I Work Upstairs, but I Don't Want to Smell my Own Poop While I'm Working" Pooper: Seriously, POOP IN YOUR OWN BATHROOM. I'm already dealing with a lot of poop down here, I don't need you adding to it. If you get the urge, just as you come downstairs? I feel sure that you can hold onto that log until you get back upstairs to your own space. I usually manage to hold mine ALL DAY. Hell, I barely even pee at the office any more if I can help it.

So, this is to you, dear Office Poopers. Please, please, please...KEEP YOUR POOP IN YOUR OWN TOILET. If you're so regular that you can plan your poop for every morning right as you get to work? Please schedule that poop with your intestines just a little bit earlier. You know, when you're at home. I'll talk to the boss about counting that time as work, so you can get paid. It's not like you're doing anything useful in the bathroom for that half hour anyway.

**In case you didn't notice (seriously, what's wrong with you?), I changed the layout on my blog. What do you think?**


Johnny Virgil said...

Much better than Skelotor and the stationary geometric shapes.

Which is now the name of my next band.

Jeff said...''s beautiful and i can barely see it through the tears in my eyes.

and then you wrote about poop.

Jennifer said...

Ever since grade school I've hated taking craps in anywhere public. I guess I still have the mentality of "If they hear me pooping, my life will be crushed by the sounds of their derision."

I try to have my morning constitution at home, but if I can't, I keep little bottles of Febreze and/or clean smelling perfume in my purse to keep people from making fun of me.

I likes the new layout. Orange seems appropriate for someone going by the name of Shine.

shine said...

I think I like it, too, but I'm still working out a few kinks. Like the fact that it says there's only one comment when there are three.


carissajade said...

I love love LOVE your new layout!! I tried to comment yesterday and it wouldn't let me- so it looks like you've got that kink worked out!

As far as office poopers go, I feel your pain. I don't have to share with boys, but I do have a very disgusting bathroom. What annoys me more than anything, is when the women from upstairs come and shit in my bathroom to avoid embarrassment on their own floor. And I don't know what these ladies are eating, but it cannot be healthy. It has gotten to the point where you know if you smell lysol in the hallway, you either have to wait for like an hour to go, or you run the risk of vomiting...And that is only if we're lucky enough to smell lysol.

Jesse said...

Love! the new layout. so cute.

ClevelandPoet said...

There is a guy who when he does his business its always very loud but he tries to clear his throat each time to drown it out....quite amusing

Phronk said...

LOL, poop.

I love the new layout! Much better than that one where every third word was invisible. :)

Maryx said...

Don't people have any common decency?! Sh!t

I love the layout sweetie. I saw it and thought maybe I was going crazy so I won't say anything. But I was right! It DID change! =D Awesome

That Kind of Girl said...

1) friggin' love the layout. So cheerful! And abstract yet urban! But it makes me want to run out and buy expensive soap from Lush.

2) OH EM GEE I literally cannot imagine the hell of working in an office filled with such disrespectful poopers! I'm horrified by bodily functions in general and have never -- to my knowledge -- ever pooped in an office; if I ever had to poop in public, it would only be in a situation of dire emergency. Until I read this blog entry, it never even crossed my mind that people would poop in public ON PURPOSE. Oh humanity.

Meg Kathleen said...

I'm liking the new layout! It helped make me feel better after being thoroughly disturbed about those "poopers" you work with. Jesus.

Zan said...

Start walking behind them with air freshener, or spray it at them every time they walk by your desk after they leave the bathroom. That's what I used to do. Stinky bastids.

Laurie said...

We have a five stall bathroom for the ladies at work (I use the term loosely) and I'm always amazed when one of them comes in, sits down and begins to take a very (VERY) loud crap.

Sometimes, it startles me and I'll start to laugh and then I feel like Beavis and/or Butthead...then I hurriedly scurry from the bathroom to try and out run the stink.

I agree with the previous poster that said you should spray them with air freshener as they walk by. Or maybe obnoxiously hold your nose every time you talk to them, with a nasally pitch as you discuss business. That would be great.

We should write for SNL. Seriously. It would be legendary.

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