19 November 2009

TMI Thursday - The Poop Ninja

Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for LiLu's TMI Thursday!

TMI Thursday

In a new relationship, there are always some adjustments to be made. I like to watch TV when I fall asleep, he doesn't. He likes to keep his syrup in the fridge, I don't. You know the drill.

The biggest of these (hopefully) is poop. Not only am I not a big fan of sharing the bathroom with ANYONE, I don't want anyone smelling my poop, I don't want anyone to know I'm pooping, I don't want to poop in someone's bathroom, etc. I'd rather we all just pretend that pooping? Is not something I do.

Now, I've been around enough men to know that pooping isn't really as big of a deal to them. And by the way, thanks guys. I really do love to smell your poop in the morning. Or the evening. Or all afternoon while I'm working. It's awesome.

Well, Princess and I have been spending a lot of time sleeping in the same place. For warmth and the whatnot. You understand what I'm saying. Interestingly, neither of us is really willing to poop while the other is around. I was raised in the South with Southern Manners and all that, so technically I'm not even supposed to talk about my poop. You'll notice that lesson didn't really stick. At first, I thought I'd just be clever and suddenly have to "go home" for something. So I could poop. Of course that leads to all kinds of questions and eventually I just had to say, "Look. I have to poop. And I'm not doing it here."

One morning, things were getting really rough. I had to poop REALLY bad. I'm pretty sure I said, "Uuuhhhhh...I have to poooooppppp..." about a dozen times on the way to my place.

What I had yet to see, though, was Princess pooping. I don't mean see. Princess, if you're reading this, please. I never ever want to see you poop. Like ever. I mean it. Anyway, it was like the man never pooped.

Then one night, I woke up from a deep slumber (I'm like the soundest sleeper in the WORLD) to find myself alone in bed. Um, confusion, party of one. Then I looked over to see the light on under the bathroom door. Hmmmm...

It turns out that, all this time, Princess has been waking himself up in the middle of the night (he claims it's early morning, I claim those are pretty much the same thing) to take a stealthy poop. So I'd never be the wiser. But I am. I saw it. Again, I didn't see the poop. Just the evidence that the poop took place. Stick with me here, people.

This morning, when I went to pee, I noticed that, even though I was the last one to pee last night, there was a new roll of toilet paper waiting for me. (Yes, Princess does actually put a new roll of toilet paper ON the toilet paper holder every time it's empty. I know. He's mine, ladies.) When I came out of the bathroom, I glared accusingly at him and said, "Did you get up and poop in the middle of the night again?!"

He looked at me and said, "Yep." Cue knowing smirk.

Apparently, he's a morning pooper and he can't poop while I'm there (even though I leave for work before he does most of the time), so (because he's this regular) he's trained himself to poop before I wake up. Ya know, at like 3:00 am.

This led to an amusing conversation about super powers and that he should from now forth be called "Princess Poop Ninja" and how he poops so stealthily, no one will ever know it was him. Kinda like The Spleen from Mystery Men only...well, more subtle. And with a tiara.


Butterbean said...

LMAO Princess Poop Ninja. The sad thing about this entry? This was the hubby and I the ENTIRE first year we were together! Then we both woke up at the same time one morning needing to go. If that hadn't happened, I think we'd still be getting up to go without the other one knowing!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said... a level of sphincter control so amazingly powerful that men everywhere should be stricken green with envy.

I know my poop stinks. I feel bad whenever anyone else has to smell it. Except my boss. Not that I hate him. I just think that shit is funny.

Phronk said...

I'm more amazed by the stealthiness than the regularity. I could never poop quietly enough for someone nearby to sleep through.

This goes along with never farting outside a bathroom though.

You don't keep syrup in the fridge? But it says refrigerate after opening! You're breaking the law!

Alice said...

WOW. that is amazing devotion to poop-stealth! i'm pretty sure the first time my bf took a poop at my house, he ran the shower as cover.

Jay Ferris said...

When I first started dating my wife she had a really small place. If that wasn't bad enough, the bathroom door had this little 1' x 1' vent thing on the bottom with little slats on it. Every time I pooped there I had to hold a towel over the vent to ensure no smells or sounds escaped through the door. It was like poop prison or something.

Ed Adams said...

If nobody sees it, then it never happened.

Organic Meatbag said...

I'm not exactly a poopologist or a poop fanatic, but you probably should loosen the reigns just a smidge on the poop gets lot tougher than "Please drive 35 miles to the nearest book store so I can poop"...

That Kind of Girl said...

I am so, so jealous of you right now. Truly you have snagged a man of REGAL BREEDING. I have the same musn't-poop-around-anyone programming, and am proud to say my ex never unearthed any evidence that I underwent bodily functions until seven months into the relationship. Of course it was easier living together in a dorm, but I'd wait for him to admit defeat and head to the restroom, then throw on a towel, sprint down to the ladies', and empty my digestive system with haunting and deplorable speed.

Later, when we lived in a house together, I'd wake up at 5am to go well before he woke up. Or if it was evening and I was truly desperate, I'd send him out of the house to go pick up fro yo. (The natural probiotics helped keep my system regular and eerily quickly emptied.)

Whoa. Sorry. That was mega-TMI, in retrospect.

Graygrrrl said...

Oh god! That's incredible. I will never forget the time a guy walked in on my on the john. I didn't even think to lock the door, this was my house afterall and who would just walk in knowing full well I was there? He did and needless to say, that was the last of that.

carissajaded said...

Never let this man go. I mean it... Every guy I've dated has been of the poop with the door open so I can hear it variety. AND he puts the roll back on the thingy? If he puts the seat down, I might have to cut you!

Margaret Benbow said...

You and he are precious! You've each found your Poop Denier mate. Reminds me of my first boyfriend in college. I'd baffle him by abruptly leaving in the middle of a date, saying I had to "go to the library." I had to go, period, and was so shy I chose to leave the building.

P said...

That is so cute that he's trained himself to do it in the middle of the night.

AND that he replaces the loo roll when its done.

I think I hate you. :(

LiLu said...

TV must be on at bedtime and neither the syrup NOR the ketchup go in the fridge, ever.

Silly boys.

Jennifer said...

My sister and her husband pretty operate the same way you do.

My husband and I, however, do not. We got over the whole pooping thing right off the bat since his old brownstone apartment only had a bathroom with sliding closet door. Absolutely no questions what was going on in there.

Now, The Husband never bothers to close the door to do ANYTHING. I mean, I'm cool with knowing what is probably going on in there, but to hear Every. Single. Thing. is annoying, but there's not much I can do about it. We've come too far.

Deeps!! said...

truly TMI!! :)

Maryx said...

ROFLMFAO!!!!! You crack me up!!! Princess Poop Ninja cracks me up!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Thanx for the laugh sweetie! =D *SMILES*

He IS brilliant though... hiding it away from you like that. VERY F*cking Polite. =D heehee

Stacie's Madness said...


Joanna said...

Ah, keep the mystery alive as long as you can! What a catch you've got there. :)

Crystal said...

you totally inspired a complete blog post for me.

i feel your pain, sista.