25 November 2009

It's [Wednesday], we should break up - Dallas Cowboys Fans

Since today is, for all intents and purposes, Friday, and I will be spending the next four days (at least in theory) wrapped up in a blanket in my pajamas, watching endless hours of pointless television, reading books, and drinking hot chocolate from a giant mug that never empties, I'm going to break up with Dallas Cowboys fans today.

Living in Dallas and NOT being a Dallas Cowboys fan is, well, kind of rough. You see, I love football. And in Dallas? The ONLY football I ever get to hear about is Dallas Cowboys football. They don't even talk about other games in passing. Aside from, yesterday, discussing the merits of luring Vince Young away from Tennessee to come to Dallas because he's so much better than Tony Romo (I'm not saying this, they were saying this. Vince is still on probation with me). May I remind you of the Vince Young who had to sit his ass on the bench last season because he got booed for throwing an interception and freaked the hell out? Even though he won the game. You really think he can HANDLE you Cowboys fans? No sir.

But my issue isn't with the constant coverage. (Seriously, even when it's not football season and could we STOP talking about TO? He's GONE.) It's with the fans.

The Cowboys are never allowed to lose. Ever. Every loss is ridiculous and a reason to fire everyone and Tony Romo sucks and Wade Phillips is incapable and Jason Garrett can go suck an egg and wasn't Roy Williams supposed to be good? More than that, though, no win is ever good enough. You Cowboys fans are overbearing perfectionist mother. Oh, you got a 99 on your test, honey. Why didn't you get a 100?

And even if they win, and they win by a lot (which, let's face it, just doesn't happen that often), the fans find something to bitch about.

Tony Romo was given the key to the city in...Illinois or something and he had the AUDACITY to wear a backwards baseball cap to the ceremony? FIRE HIM!

Wade Phillips said "ya know" too many times in the press conference after the game? OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

Roy Williams caught the ball? THAT'S JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

I'm soooo sick and tired of this crap. Get over it, people. Your team hasn't won a playoff game in 13 years. Your owner is, well, a little loony. Not Al Davis loony, but hey, at least Al Davis's team has been to the Superbowl in this decade. And I HATE the Raiders. But having watched them beat the Bengals last week? I'd say you Cowboys better at least be on your toes.

And to all you sports talk radio hosts out there: Someone expressing some minor doubt in their team does NOT make them less of a fan. So shut your face. And to Arnie Spanier? May your Thanksgiving bring you salmonella. You are scum.

So that's it Cowboys fans. I'm out. It's been a nice run (not really), but I just can't take any more. Don't call me, I'll call you. (Unless I know you and love you in spite of your Cowboys love. We can still hang. I'm not talking to you. Yet.)


Laurie said...

Too funny! You should try living in Tampa Bay! Our team sucks and has since Tony Dungy left and the Glazers put Gruden in charge! (even though Gruden won the Super Bowl w/the Bucs, it was w/Dungy's team). And DON'T get me started on all the Gators fans. Obnoxious? Check. Loud? Check. Quoting stats at random? Check. Usually a pompous ass? Check. (I love using that word...pompous.)Especially if you're a Seminoles fan. I'm in serious pain.

Gofahne said...

I love the Cowboys, we know this. I agree the fans are a bit ridiculous, but from my plethora of friends that have lived in other cities and like teams such as the Bucs, the Browns, etc. I think there are many cities that are just as dedicated (albeit sometimes crazy). Your opinion is always fun to read though... and you're not breaking up with me yet? Right, try ever :).

Jeney Peney said...

Haha! This is so true.

Being a Bears fan I'm more used to feeling something is terribly wrong if we actually do play well...

Evening Sketches said...

I have lived in the Big D for a year and have been awed by how many Cowboy fans suffer from bipolar. I am a Seahawks fan (I know. trust me,I know)but I can never, never, ever mention this in Dallas without fear of losing an appendage via Buffalo Wild Wings plastic steak knife (funny story). Anyway, I'm a grammar whore, I love your blog, and I think the Cowboys are ridiculous. Let's be friends.