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25 February 2009

A repost of a blog I wrote a while back.

I think it still applies to life in general:

You don’t “sale” a house. You sell a house. You don’t have trouble “saling” your house. You might have trouble sailing your boat, but you’ll get the hang of it pretty quickly. Selling your house right now is a bad idea in general, actually.

You know your cell phone has finished charging when it STOPS CHARGING. Usually this involves a completely filled in battery icon. If you don’t know what a battery icon is, I can’t help you.

Asparagus is a vegetable. It’s for eating. It is not, in any way, a scrubbing device.

One half and a half are, in fact, the exact same fucking thing. I say this because someone asked, "I'm sorry, professor, did you say one half or a half?" in my college calculus class. Really.

You cannot ever, under any circumstances, paste the text from a Word document into a folder on your hard drive, and expect your computer to automatically create a new Word file for you. It just doesn't work that way.

Files and programs are not the same thing. Equally, files and folders are not the same thing.

The remote control that came with your laptop is not a mouse, no matter how much you want it to be.

You can begin writing your check before the cashier at the grocery store rings up all your merchandise. There is no age limit on this one.

Ten Items or Less means exactly that. It doesn’t become void if there’s no one else in line.

Know your PIN, (Notice it’s not a PIN number. That’s what the “N” stands for in PIN. Cute little trick, huh? This also works for SSN.) if you plan on using it.

Buying gas is not a negotiable act. You cannot argue your way into lower gas prices once inside the establishment. Calling the cashier “Un-American” is just silly.

Your car is a vehicle that should be used to get you from point A to point B. You should not confuse it with your bathroom. Fix your hair, brush your teeth, read your book, but do it before you get in your car.

Strippers are not your friends. Accept this. Move on.

On a related note, if you sleep with a stripper, that’s your problem. Do not point your penis in my direction again. This rule also applies to hookers, and a few really dirty people I know.

It is possible to work at a fast food joint and not be an idiot. That should be your new goal.

If you’re a teacher, you should know how to spell. It doesn’t matter what you teach.

If you flip your hair and giggle like a school girl every time you’re within ten feet of a man, I think you’re dumb. Your IQ actually drops right in front of my eyes.

Aliens from outer space (not to be confused with illegal aliens, you understand) did not build the pyramids. If they’re out there, I’m sure they have better things to do.

Do NOT use God as birth control. Use birth control as birth control. Sometimes getting pregnant is a result of your own stupidity and not an indication that God thinks you should have more children, even though you don’t make enough money to support the ones you have.

If people tell you that your boyfriend is a lying, manipulative asshole, you don’t get to be shocked when you figure out he is a lying, manipulative asshole. This goes for any and all other boyfriend characteristics.

If you live in this country, learn to speak the language. Oh wait, we’ve all forgotten how to do it, why should anyone else learn? Just practice your lulz instead. It’ll be more useful.

Feel free to drive at least as fast as the posted speed limit on all roads at all times, except in the case of a blizzard. Do not slam on your brakes on the highway unless you’re about to cause bodily harm to another creature (insects are not included).

If you decide to make a commercial, seriously have someone edit it for you before you air it. You don’t want to end up like Rodney Anderson with CTX Mortgage. Here are some highlights: “…what I want to be known for is I want to be known for your lender for life. If you’ve went through a divorce, if you’ve went through hard times, if you’ve went through…” There are a few of us out here who still like properly formed sentences. Verb conjugation really isn’t that difficult. **Since I wrote this, he's made several more horrible commercials.**

As chicks, sometimes we kiss each other to make you happy. It does not mean we’re lesbians, or that we are in any way trying to insult the lesbian community. It is purely as entertainment for you. With the vast amount and variety of porn you’re watching these days, we have to find some way to keep up that does not involve fucking a toaster dressed as a French maid with a giant cock strapped to our pelvis (probably we’ll do this once if you ask nicely and buy us dinner).

5 comments:

Toanny said...

"Ten Items or Less means exactly that. It doesn’t become void if there’s no one else in line."

In fact, "Ten Items or Less" actually means "Ten Items or Fewer," but I doubt that correcting the grammar would actually change anyone's behavior.

meshealle said...

True statement Toanny. I didn't even bother to mention that part because I figured it would be lost on anyone reading this. :-)

Regardless, it does not mean "sneak more than ten items through when you think no one is looking."

Killer B said...

Strippers aren't my friends??? WHAT??? The hell you say...

:D

Everything was going well until I got to the last part about the toaster-sex. In fact, I'm pretty sure I caught my waffle-iron peeking over my shoulder as I was reading this so if you happen to open your front door one day to find a Canadian kitchen gadget on your porch/hallway/whatever that is shamelessly looking for love, don't say I didn't warn you!

HAHAHA!!!

deadleafecho said...

L0LZ@yerRantz teh grammar nazi!
Oh, and pyramids were created by aliens. In fact I use one to keep my razor blades sharp.
Just don't ask what I'm shaving.

meshealle said...

Okay, now I have to worry about being stalked by a Canadian waffle iron? Shit...

My blender sends you its best regards, B. :-)

And to deadleafecho...Pyramid Power! I feel like a Power Ranger or something. And I would never dare to ask what you were shaving, but you're not that flexible. ;-)