20 February 2009

Lost and Found

I've been rediscovering my friends lately, since the recent demise of my relationship. I have some really great friends. :)

For the last three weeks, I have tortured myself trying to understand the logic behind a completely illogical decision, trying to find the rationality in someone's completely irrational behavior. I have been hurt more times than I care to think about. And yesterday, I was told that really, it's all my fault. Really, I'm the bad guy. Really, I'm delusional.

Well, folks, I'm here to tell you, that just ain't true.

Actions speak louder than words. Far, far louder. I have forgiven and forgiven and forgiven, and now I am done forgiving for a while. You treat me like shit, there will be consequences. For instance, you will no longer be able to partake in the pleasure of my company. And I am...kind of awesome.

I went to have sushi with a few friends last night. Mmmm...sushi. Sorry, I usually get distracted when I think about sushi. Back to the story at hand.

My friends dropped this sort of...bombshell on me. Not really a bombshell because I guess I had sort of heard it before and refused to really acknowledge it. They said that I wasn't me while I was in the recently demised relationship. They said that I didn't shine as brightly. I was shocked.

Then the real kicker. Even now, as I wallow in the pathetic-ness that has become me for these last few weeks. Even now, while I'm so sad and hurt and angry. Even now, they said, I am more myself than I have been in months.

It's weird because I felt like I was more myself with him than I had ever felt like I could be around anyone. But now that I look back on it...I don't think that's the case. Because in truth, I spent a year and a half of my life completely focused on the comfort and happiness of someone else. And that someone else didn't return the favor. So no one was taking care of me.

I can't blame him for this, of course. It was my choice. Not that he made it easy to make any other choice, mind you. But it was still my choice.

I'm a pretty strong person. I've been through a lot in my 29 years. I'm really bad at taking care of me, though. I feel like I've been gone for a year and a half, and that I'm finally coming home again. I found me again...or at least, I'm working on it.

The truth is, while I don't believe in marriage and I don't want to have children, I do believe in love. I do believe that relationships are what life is all about. I do believe that I am worth someone else's attention and affection. I do believe that I deserve to be treated with respect and care and love by the people who are supposed to love me.

This past December, I made some New Year's Resolutions. I think I need to scratch one of them off the list. I will not be more emotionally unavailable. That's not who I am, and I'm really not even capable of it.

But I will take better care of myself. I will be there for me. It doesn't mean that I will turn into a completely selfish person. That's not me, either. I will always care about other people, and I will put someone else's needs before my own when necessary (though hopefully in the future, not always).

I'm not afraid to love and I deserve that in return. I'm not afraid to trust (at least, not usually...right now is a different story) and I deserve that in return. I don't live my life in fear of being hurt, but I also need to stop putting myself in the position where hurt is a guarantee.

This is a notice. I AM BACK! At least, well, I'm going to be back. And I know that no one will take care of me but me.


Anonymous said...

We are sisters in pain! Good things come out of devastation. You have found yourself, you will be stronger and wiser, you will connect with friends and make new ones. That is not meant to downplay the pain you will feel when nobody is around. I LOVE sushi so so much. I think about it almost everyday and believe we should meet for sushi and sake and japanese beer! -sara-

meshealle said...

As it just so happens, my favorite sushi place is not far from your residence. I'm willing to make the drive, if you can make the time.

As long as you don't make me drink sake. That stuff is vile. :)